A few years ago, a girlfriend accused me of giving her Mono.
“Hey hun, how was class?”
“I just came back from the hospital – he say’s it’s Mono.”
“Whoa! God, that sucks but at least I’ve already had it so I can take care of you without fear of catching it.”
“James you gave it to me.”
“I, uh… what?
“You gave it to me. You gave me mono.”
“I gave you mono. I gave? You mono? I had mono in high school – like, four years ago.”
“Yeah, well the doctor says it can come back and you could’ve given it to me so you did.”
On a sunny but not-too-warm day in April, the same girlfriend wanted to take a nap together. She loved taking naps. I have no idea why she stayed up all night and napped for hours during the day although there is a very real possibility that as a fetus, the doctor injected her with some bizarre Middle Eastern bat DNA. Unlike our typical daily coma, she insisted this day that we sleep outside. But not on main campus. No no, she wanted to sleep on a smaller field near one of the dorms. As I said, it wasn’t that warm so naturally, she slept on top of me. We were like a beached-whale sandwich. Imagine trying to relax with 150 pounds of girl putting your diaphragm through Dolph Lundren’s workout.
Do you think people in their dorm rooms saw us down on the ten foot patch of grass below? I wonder if they thought, like I did, “What the fuck are they doing out there? Is he about to get laid at three in the afternoon outside of Skidmore Hall?!?” And what do you suppose the tour walking by thought? “Wow, if I send my kids here, they too can pretend they’re sea lions during mating season. Gosh, I can’t think of a better way to spend one hundred and sixty grand!”
When I was sixteen, a girl I’d been dating for a few weeks told me she loved me. Naturally, I said it back. Sixteen. I think I had located a whisker a few days before. Wait, no, it was an eyelash.
There was the girl who spent an hour trying to find me in the hallway just so that she could slap me for something that she heard I did. (I didn’t do it.) The girl who looked like Kermit the frog. The girl who ten years later realized she likes girls. There was the girl who only wanted to be friends. There was the girl who told me that muscles mattered and seeing as I don’t have any…
I wonder: If I wasn’t in my present situation, would all of this be so damn funny? Stay tuned…
No comments:
Post a Comment