But hey, it's Burlington!

There's a bird flying around the boarding area, keeping everything in order, making sure that all the people heading up to Burlington, Vermont are legit. Annnnnd that's about it as far as security goes in this peninsula of Terminal 3. You'd swear you were in Pleasantville: “There's old Bart, the lovable black security man who spends his days napping just inside the door in the bank.”

Spread across two bags, I have enough camera equipment to shoot the next James Cameron movie. Combine that with my outside appearance. I look bad, I smell bad and I'm giving off a bad-air as if to say, “Get close to me and I'll infect you with Polio.”

If I was a security guard and some douche-bag with an arsenal of gizmos was walking through my line, I would search the shit out of him. Shoes off? Nah, I'd make him strip for a human physiology checklist. And then I'd go into his bags and take apart anything with an on/off button that weighed more than 3 ounces. I'd make sure he missed his flight to do an interview with the Grand Dragon of Airport Security (whoever the hell that is). Annnnnd I'd break his gear.

But hey, it's Burlington! Look like shit and have a cache of detonators in the form of Flash-Cards and USB cables? Welcome aboard!

Okay. Okay. I think we can all agree that Burlington, Vermont is not a high-priority target. No offense B-town, but even the security guard at the tunnel of gamma-rays was falling asleep checking passengers through the line. “What's that sir? You want to leave your shoes on? Well, you look old and friendly so you go ahead and do whatever you like.” I'd say Burlington's most valuable asset is cheese but I'll bet most of it comes from other towns. Sorry Bur, looks like you're fucked.

As I sit typing this, there's a flight attendant reading over my shoulder, giggling. Apparently, she thinks that Burlington is just as important as I do.

It sounds like I'm complaining, doesn't it? It sounds like I'm complaining about a relaxed security team and comfortable flight attendants. Whatever. I'm just salty. Time to go to Dudley.