Pins and Needles or Panic Attacks

"Goodmorning!"  That's what I want to exclaim to the world.  Or at least to the other people in my office.  But I don't think I can look anyone in the eye.  Because I fell on my face last night walking from the bathroom to the bedroom.  Because my legs were paralyzed.  Because I was sick.  And I fell asleep on the toilet.

Buffalo chicken is delicious.  So is Chinese food.  Which one provided the Ides of March in May last night?  Probably both.

After a wonderful dinner with sister and mom, I took a cab home, unpacked from a fantastic weekend (see, "Three from Dudley"), and got into bed before eleven.  At twelve fifteen, midst a nightmere of epic proportions involving kids from middle school, kids from summercamp and kids from France, I woke up thinking my stomach was tearing itself in two.  So I went into the bathroom and waited for the inevitable.  I'll spare you the details but after it was over, I was completely exhausted from the experience.  I closed the toilet seat and sat on it with my head in my hands and my elbows on my knees -- remaining in the bathroom just in case I felt ill again.  Sometime later, I stood up and walked to my bedroom.

Then my legs froze up.  It felt like there was sand in my veins and every muscle twitch sent bone zapping tingles through my body.  "What the hell is this?" I thought.  Then I looked at my clock.  It was 1:30 am.  I had been asleep in the bathroom for over an hour cutting off all circulation to my legs the entire time.  Shit shit shit.  Not knowing quite what to do, I decided I may as well let myself fall over and crawl into bed.

Some people have dreams where they're naked at work.  Others have dreams they never graduated College.  I don't have those dreams but I do fall asleep in the bathroom and crawl around in the middle of the night.