So how is the snooze button a good thing? I bet the same guy who invented 'snooze' invented light beer, light cigarettes and diet Coke. And he invented it for addictive personalities like mine who wanted to do something without doing it because it feels so good even though it is so bad for you. He probably justified it by saying, "Look at my new invention! It will give you a few extra minutes of time to relax before getting out of bed!" This is a little like saying Joe Camel commercials were directed at adults. Seriously, what marginally sentient adult human being would think a fat cartoon camel is cool and more to the point, what child wouldn't? So the counterargument, that snooze is a pleasant relaxing cycle, is ridiculous. If I am asleep, get woken up by a buzzer and then lay back down, I won't relax... I'll sleep. For nine minutes until my ears, nay, my soul is raped awake again! Snooze = evil invention for addictive people.
Friends! Brothers! Nappers! We don't need the snooze button! It's not real sleep! If you're going to sleep until 7:48, then set your alarm for 7:48!
Goal: for the rest of the alarm-puked week, I will get up as soon as my alarm goes off. I will walk around my apartment naked (boner, optional) until I feel it's safe to stop moving. Safe meaning I won't fall back asleep leaning on the kitchen counter (done that), tying my shoes (done that) or sitting on the toilet (definitely done that).
You know, there's a huge whole in this rant. If the snooze-inventor didn't invent the feature for our benefit, then why did he invent it? Send guesses to jamesguimaraes@me.com. Most creative answer will win an alarm clock. And if you think I'm kidding, why not submit an answer to try me out? Remember: the snooze button is not our friend. It is our enemy. And your task is to come up with the purpose behind its inception.
