So how is the snooze button a good thing? I bet the same guy who invented 'snooze' invented light beer, light cigarettes and diet Coke. And he invented it for addictive personalities like mine who wanted to do something without doing it because it feels so good even though it is so bad for you. He probably justified it by saying, "Look at my new invention! It will give you a few extra minutes of time to relax before getting out of bed!" This is a little like saying Joe Camel commercials were directed at adults. Seriously, what marginally sentient adult human being would think a fat cartoon camel is cool and more to the point, what child wouldn't? So the counterargument, that snooze is a pleasant relaxing cycle, is ridiculous. If I am asleep, get woken up by a buzzer and then lay back down, I won't relax... I'll sleep. For nine minutes until my ears, nay, my soul is raped awake again! Snooze = evil invention for addictive people.
Friends! Brothers! Nappers! We don't need the snooze button! It's not real sleep! If you're going to sleep until 7:48, then set your alarm for 7:48!
Goal: for the rest of the alarm-puked week, I will get up as soon as my alarm goes off. I will walk around my apartment naked (boner, optional) until I feel it's safe to stop moving. Safe meaning I won't fall back asleep leaning on the kitchen counter (done that), tying my shoes (done that) or sitting on the toilet (definitely done that).
You know, there's a huge whole in this rant. If the snooze-inventor didn't invent the feature for our benefit, then why did he invent it? Send guesses to jamesguimaraes@me.com. Most creative answer will win an alarm clock. And if you think I'm kidding, why not submit an answer to try me out? Remember: the snooze button is not our friend. It is our enemy. And your task is to come up with the purpose behind its inception.
In my most recent years of moving toward "responsibility," which required such things as acquiring a personal dentist, personal physician, finally voting, and purchasing my first home, I have realized the surest way to never need an alarm clock ever again. Get a dog. Preferably a young dog with tons of energy. The reliability of these creatures far surpasses that of any alarm clock, because they still get up at 5am every morning, even if the power is out. There is no snooze button on them. Once they are up, they start whining and whining, jumping on the bed licking you; sticking their cold nose under the covers jolting you into a tourettes-like state primarily consisting of the f-word. You try to reach out to clamp their snout shut, but they dart away. Imagine an alarm clock that ducked out of the way when you tried to hit snooze. So you reluctantly get up, throw on whatever clothes are closest, still in a state of what scientists would call technically "asleep," and shuffle outside in the bitter cold to chase squirrels, bark at the garbage trucks, and pick up shit. By the time you get back home, the physical exercise you so reluctantly did at an hour in the morning that every other non-dog-owning human was warmly in their bed, has woken you to the point where you can't go back to bed. Partly because you are not tired anymore, but also because you have to be up in half an hour anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo if you'd like an alternative to an alarm clock and rid yourself of that guilty feeling of indulging in a few extra minutes of sleep via Mr. Snooze, get a pup. The only down side is you gray faster.